Kevin DeBacker

2009-05-15T00:58:00.005-05:00

Update your RSS feeds.
I've moved to tumblr!
There's more room and it looks better.

http://kevindebacker.tumblr.com/

Kiefer Sutherland charged with assault

2009-05-07T18:01:00.002-05:00

I think CNN means, 'Jack Bower protects America from terrorist takeover.'

My hero sings with Alice Ridley...

2009-05-06T17:03:00.002-05:00

between the L and Q lines in the Union Square subway station

From Chrisla

2009-05-06T16:39:00.004-05:00

Your thoughts on wind energy are flawed. There is no free lunch, it takes energy to create that "wind" in the first place. The amount you get back out will be the same minus losses from friction.

Her response to my green car submission.
http://www.instructables.com/id/Energy-3/

I'm pumped people are reading and watching the video! No free lunch for me.

WHO raises pandemic alert to second-highest level

2009-04-29T23:13:00.002-05:00

Every time I read these headlines I can't help but hoot one long note like an owl before continuing.

Coachella 09'

2009-04-26T15:35:00.005-05:00

Tiny zebra print shorts, the smell of pot and sunblock, glow sticks, 100 degree temps, family and friends, naked wizards, and panther tattoos makes for a good weekend.

I just had one very rock solid week!
Thank you Kiniry's, Caleb, Wilder, Kristina, and my disappearing athletes foot.

This is not the devil

2009-04-22T23:21:00.005-05:00

Philip Rosenthal is for bringing us 'Everybody Loves Raymond.'

Where Are The Bees?

2009-04-07T19:39:00.004-05:00

No Seriously, where the fuck are the bees?

European honeybees are the main pollinators of crops, nuts, flowers, vegetables and fruits. Basically a ton of crops we depend on. 30% to be exact.

They are disappearing. Google search for yourself.

I too have love for LA! Except for the whole car thing

2009-04-06T22:36:00.002-05:00

I'll be back in a week!

Thanks Caitlin for sharing this video. What Randy Newman blindfold have I been wearing?!

I am Kevin

2009-04-02T15:09:00.002-05:00

I am a tennis player living in New York City. I will be at the west side Hudson tennis courts every Tuesday at midday. When the sun is highest in the sky.

The courts are free. Serious tennis athletes only.

Why do we trust the person next to us at coffee shops?

2009-04-02T12:33:00.002-05:00

I always see people do this:

"Hey, can you watch my stuff while I go to the bathroom?"

I just trusted my laptop, backpack with ipod and wallet inside to a complete stranger.

I know it's strange, but I kinda wanted all my shit to be gone when I returned. I imagined my ex-coffee shop neighbor jogging down the street smiling wide and screaming, 'you got em again Cath, you got em again!'

2009-03-27T00:06:00.003-05:00

I had an audition today and was told to dress as a sporty soccer player. I wore these shorts....

And proudly walked them 15 blocks up 6th ave to the audition. Unfortunately the commercial copy was actually about 5 jocks playing football.

Another gem from the man

2009-03-12T20:36:00.001-05:00

I can relate

Rihanna update

2009-02-26T20:23:00.004-05:00

I DON'T think she's pregnant. I'm convinced these r all just super lame rumors. She looked like soooooooo slim on that beach! Right?! Am I crazy? Uh. I guess I'll just have to wait a few more months...super lame..

Animal Collective will leave you thirsty

2009-02-26T19:47:00.003-05:00

This song is amazing! I find myself desperately craving the little 'dtadtda' bongo moments. I keep holding my breath hoping they'll give me more. And they do... EVERY SINGLE TIME. Yaaaaay! More 'dtadatad' Wait for it...(about every 4 seconds).

I might implode

2009-02-08T00:49:00.002-05:00

if I don't quickly find the switch to this cerebrum brick.

W.W.M.O.D?

2009-01-26T15:44:00.003-05:00

What would Michelle Obama do? That's my new slogan when I find my self unfocused, irresponsible, less regal, lacking poise, and wearing sweat pants. I need to make a colorful bracelet.

I am a terrible person, I thoroughly enjoyed this video

2009-01-22T17:07:00.002-05:00

Police Say School Shooter Had Troubled Past, History Of School Shootings

2009-01-20T17:11:00.003-05:00

Today I was genuinely happy for Al Roker. After 12 years of failed attempts, he finally got a word out of the incoming president along the parade route. Wearing a fedora and propping himself up on a security fence, he shouted at Barack like a junior higher. A junior higher who's just heard from principal Armstrong that students will now be allowed to have night time dances. Roker's ear-to-ear grin was infectious. Obama's words, "It's warm out here." God I love our new president! He made the little boy in Al and me... well, excited to move to the center of the dance floor again. The slow songs have ended. It's time to celebrate again!

Real Chance of Love

2009-01-15T10:56:00.003-05:00

From what I've been able to follow, this show is a 3rd generation spin-off from "Flavor Of Love" and part of VH1's very successful "Of Love" franchise. What will they come up with next?! Last night I watched Chance's brother Real choose CornFed as his true love.

Thunder In Paradise: Full Act 1

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

2009-01-12T13:50:00.004-05:00

I wear the same outfit many times over cause I don't want the heap on the ground to grow in to an unmanageable cotton mountain. I'm currently on supplemental oxygen awaiting rescue from camp 4.

From Time article

2009-01-05T20:40:00.000-05:00

Obamania. If you can't get to D.C. this month to celebrate the incoming Administration, immerse yourself in all things Obama in his hometown. The Hard Rock Hotel Chicago is offering a "Barack and Roll" package, which includes a suite outfitted with red, white and blue bed linens, upon which you'll be served breakfast in bed; then you'll be ferried away in a complimentary limo to an appointment at Hyde Park Hair Salon, where President-elect Obama gets his hair cut. Next up, an appointment for a suit-fitting and personal-shopping experience at Hart Schaffner Marx, the clothier that made Obama's Inauguration suit. Ladies get "First Lady" treatment in the Hard Rock Hotel's salon.

In the evening, dress up for cocktails, provided by the hotel's Base Bar, then have a tasting dinner for two at Topolobampo, one of Obama's favorite Chicago eateries. If you stay the night of the Inauguration, Jan. 20, you'll get tickets to a Bulls home game. If that's not enough Obama, you can end your evening by watching some of the future President's favorite films (like Lawrence of Arabia and Casablanca) in your suite, and take home a gift box of some of his favorite books, including Moby Dick, and music, with CDs of Miles Davis, Bob Dylan and the Fugees. You'll also get a copy of Obama's memoir, Dreams from My Father. The packages costs $2,009 for two nights. Book any time until March 31 for stays through Dec. 31. 230 North Michigan Avenue, Chicago; 312-345-1000

Would you continue to love?

2008-12-30T00:48:00.001-05:00

What if after 10 years of marriage you rolled over in bed to find this as your new reality?

The fate of our future is nestled in my arms

2008-12-29T21:05:00.005-05:00

I couldn't stop staring at the black baby in seat 14D during my red-eye Delta flight from San Francisco to NYC. At first I was extremely annoyed when, after assuming that I had two vacant seats in which to soil with computer accessories, a woman crouched in back first with a heap in her arms. My anger quickly shifted to that of humility as she turned around revealing the most beautiful baby I've ever seen! I wondered if this is how the Pharaohs daughter felt when she first approached Moses in the basket made of bulrushes. I wanted to take gods gift to humanity in my arms and protect him from the all the ugly this world would surely recklessly impose on him.

The angel baby must have been no more than one. He was wrapped in a decently crafted homemade blanket draped around his mothers caring shoulders. I'd had plans to read, watch Battlestar Galactica, and listen to more Neil Young. Whom I'm becoming more and more obsessed with after being ear blessed in San Clemente. His lyrics and music are incredibly thoughtfully crafted. How did I last this long on the outside of this amazing rock circle? "The king is gone but not forgotten."

Instead I kept peering over hoping the mom wouldn't catch me. I finally got my chance at about thirty thousand feet when both caretaker and babe nestled in, dropped eyelids, and rested for some sort of spiritual Buddha journey. NOW don't think I'm a creep who stared the entire time. Instead I'm a creep who thinks about elaborate baby scenarios. Like, what if Oprah has a child? Would that child be an even more amazing human being? OR Would her spawn be unable to burst the top of perfection and inevitably be an enormous deflated disappointment? I also thought long and hard about the most beautiful babies I've seen in my life. Most of them have been black. Its true. Okay you corned me. I'm a baby racist. Fire me from my waiter job and make me take assimilation classes. Mialtto babies are also breathtaking and could be the answer to our issues of hate. BUT that's for the Battlestar Galactica writers to work out.

OH. And I imagined the baby as our species chosen one. I was its sole sworn protector. The baby must reach adulthood. It was professed that he who bares the mark of unimaginable beauty and rides Delta flight 591 would solve the love and compassion issues clouding our world today. I fought off raiders and robotic dragons only to die tragically from falling off a cliff while fending off 10,000 troops on the burning bridge of no return. My legacy and cloak dying with me.

2008-12-29T20:44:00.002-05:00

I got my ass handed to me on a black and red wooden paddle. Okay...Its no secret I'm a bit competitive and cocky about certain athletic endeavors. Yesterday I lost hard in ping pong. Ha PING PONG. Is that even an athletic endeavor? Alright. I'll accept my loss. My best friends moms sister took me down in an old fashion Long Beach garage ping pong challenge. I think I scored a measly 12 points in a game to 21. :(

The sun was in my eyes.

2008-12-26T01:35:00.003-05:00

My uncle Mike is learning how to use the computer for the first time. It's very adorable. He keeps pulling me in to his room to teach him how to use google search for images. Latest image search, eagles. His vocabulary word for the day is ICON. Which he's been using over and over again. He and my sister are talking back and forth from the living room to his room on skype.

On another note. I got a casio calculator watch! The watch can control TV's and DVD players! I also received two holiday zits this year.

2008-12-24T20:56:00.005-05:00

I'm drunk at home! My sister is studying for USMLE board exam. Sounds like a mouthful? It is. She's had her books open since I got home. Lame. I'm here to have fun and party, doesn't she get that? Apparently she does, cause she just now opened her 3rd IPA. GO sis! Haha. We are both obnoxious and annoying right now. Anyone who knows me personally would probably hate the state that I'm in. Christmas is around the corner, and for some reason I feel like getting plastered. IN front of my mom and uncle Probably not wise, but who has hindsight when 7% alcohol per bottle is being swished down their stomach?

Excuse my grammar. It's normally not good, but when I'm drinking it's really badddd. Let me just quickly describe my hometown to all those besides Chris KELLY who don't know this area. It's desolate and void of personality, but so freaking close to amazing locals like, Pismo beach and Santa Barbara. The most exciting thing about this place is the new round about drive zones that were created near Walmart to help solve traffic related issues. Santa Maria's only saving grace is its 10 min away ocean and mountain borders. The views around here are breathtaking. Especially when snow hats fall on awaiting mountain heads. Another saving grace of this place are the truly amazing family friends like the Kiniry's and VanGalios. I love them immensely. Without them and my family I would never return.

I am losing track of what I'm doing. I have no idea what the purpose of this post is. AND I don't feel like re-checking.

Have a good Christmas everyone!

P.s. Spent the day in Monterey yesterday. Amazing place! Cypress trees amongst million dollar views. If/when I die, that's where I want my soul to rest. Seriously beautiful.

I Went To Coney Island Today!

2008-12-15T23:31:00.003-05:00

Coney Island reminds me of my dead grandfather. Both were once attractive and amazing. Like Coney Island my grandfather didn't take care of himself. He ignored doctors request to closely monitor his diabetic condition. Instead he continued to eat poorly, trashing his insides, unaware that he was slowly killing himself. Today Coney Island was dead. Its body once the palace of fun now just a garbage pit of buried memories. I imagined the boardwalk in its hay day. Full of youthful smiling faces having the time of their lives. It must have been amazing. Like my grandfather, I never knew Coney Island. All I have are black and white photos to remind me of its eccentric past.

Note: It was a Monday at 10am in December.

Ho Ho

2008-12-12T07:31:00.002-05:00

It's seven a.m. on my day off and I'm about to go work in Times Square.
Sometimes I think I'm a sucker. A big 6'2, plaid wearing lemon flavored sucker. Actually I just can't say no to a new adventure, no matter how early that adventure gets me up. Today I'll be working at ABC putting together Christmas trees with a PR firm. I hope my built trees will go to deserving families in poor neighborhoods who can't afford a good Christmas. BUT I'm most likely building a beautiful experience for patrons visiting the ABC lobby.

chop chop

2008-12-08T12:46:00.001-05:00

My new haircut makes me look like a disappointed lesbian. :(

This may seem pretentious, but it's really not

2008-12-02T22:59:00.005-05:00

The turbine Continental Airline engines haven't even begun to spit jet fuel and combust on my trip to Ecuador and I'm already planning a trip to China. I'm so unbelievably excited about traveling and helping with environmental causes around the world. I have been wanting to do this for quite a while now, and it's all starting to fall in to place! I've created a list of destinations with projects I'd like to visit/accomplish and an environmental pie chart outlining my environmental focus.

The list:
1. Quito, Ecuador (Biomimicry, ZERI)
2. Beijing, China (Air pollution)
3. Africa (Kinetic energy projects for small communities)
4. Brazil (Work on re-forestation)
5. Costa Rica (Biomimicry, and specie habbitats)
6 India (Air pollution (specifically dealing with re-designing transportation)(not get taken hostage. Too soon?)

The pie chart:

*Imagine a pie with 3 slices
Slice 1. Helping people/cultures/communities sustain themselves
Slice 2. Protecting animals/plants/species in general
Slice 3. Protecting natural habitats, plants, reforestation

My first destination is Ecuador, where I'll be working with ZERI (Zero Emissions Research and Initiatives). The focus will be on building a recycling center keeping biomimicry in mind, and on rain forest preservation. The experience begins on Feb 3rd and ends on Feb 14th! So if you're wishing for a Valentines date with me, you'll have to buy a return ticket to NY from Quito. OR you can catch my connecting flight in Houston. Either way, if you care, you'll make it happen. I get lonely and desperate on long flights.

2008-11-10T11:47:00.003-05:00

When was it considered uncool or bestiality for a bi-pedal hominid to have sex with his old colleague the ape? Was it one of those instances where one night a bunch of bi-pedal buddies left the savanna fire circle drunk on bison blood and wandered in to the forest to check out a chimpanzee only club? One hominid left the club early with a chimp and got caught exposed on the top of a Baobab tree. Oh what a shameful night that must have been.

America's Getting A New Puppy!

2008-11-06T09:53:00.004-05:00

Think about this. Barack Obama sitting on that comfortable captains chair in the oval office. Imagine his family taking up residence in America's most historic building. How about them flying in on the presidents helicopter? OR Obama receiving top secret briefings. I have been imagining all of these moments all morning and have been enjoying every second.

This is a quick paragraph about the White House which I find very remarkable.
Our country has come such a long way.

When George Washington was president (1789-1797) he lived in New York and Philadelphia. He brought cooks, maids and coachmen from Mount Vernon — all of them slaves — to work at his house alongside white servants. The presidents in the early days were expected to hire and pay for their own staff. Since many of the early presidents were southern planters, they brought their slaves to work for them in Washington, D.C. Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809) brought slaves from Monticello, and during his presidency the second child ever born in the President’s House was born to his slaves, Fanny and Eddy. Paul Jennings was the personal servant of President James Madison (1809-1817). He was a slave who wrote down his memories of living in the Madison White House. You can read them by clicking here. Tennesseans Andrew Jackson (1829-1837) and James K. Polk (1845-1849) also brought slaves from their farms, and almost always they lived in basement rooms. Enslaved craftsmen helped build the White House. Black servants helped save documents and art when the British burned the structure in 1814. Most of all, African Americans made the president’s household operate efficiently. But it was a man who never held others as property, Abraham Lincoln, who would make sure that slaves would never work in the White House again.

I want to attend his inauguration. I'm not entirely sure what the process is for attendence. OR if there is even a process. Do I just show up? I'd like to book a hotel the night before and spend all day soaking up the event.

Rock The Vote!

2008-11-04T10:51:00.004-05:00

I just voted about an hour ago! I have never been more excited to be an American registered voter. GOD this feels good! The energy on this island is so strong. I want to hug every fat, skinny, young, old, tired, aunry, and hurried citizen that I pass. Would it be too much to ask strangers to grab each others waists and start a congo line through the streets of Greenwich Village? All while singing and wiggling index fingers to, "rock the vote. Say it a little louder. I said, rock the vote." History could be made tonight folks. Tonight. This is crazy! I will be glued to the TV from 7pm onward. I feel like the US has received a do-over. Our country has a chance to move forward. A real chance to change our global perception.

"Men make history, and not the other way around. In periods where there is no leadership, society stands still. Progress occurs when courageous, skillful leaders seize the opportunity to change things for the better." - Harry S. Truman

Been Thinking About You

2008-10-30T12:50:00.003-05:00

I can't stop listening to this song. Thanks to Steve I now have half a months worth of non-stop music and yet I keep coming back.
The video's a bit much.

2008-10-26T22:56:00.002-05:00

My top and bottom retainers aren't sliding in to position as easily as they used to. I'm treating this a good sign. A moment of victory. Like moving up in a bra size or picking a suburban cause the 5 unit family won't fit in the civic anymore. Snaggletooth owns the night once again!

I'm currently listening to this song and completely digging it!

Your Mouth Will Thank You!

2008-10-26T22:31:00.003-05:00

Kashi TLC crackers. Find something tastier? I dare you. I triple snoop dare you. Many have tried before and have come an aisle short. You can't, these things are delicious! The gods have combined their non-human powers and have created "Tasty Little Crackers." Thank you gods. I adore thee. I shall worship and follow thee for the rest of my days. Please keep the price at 3.99 a box and promise 7 whole grains of goodness.

Energy

2008-10-14T22:51:00.004-05:00

Hey guys,

I just submitted an idea to google's 10100 contest. Project 10100 (pronounced "Project 10 to the 100th") is a call for ideas to change the world by helping as many people as possible.
Check out my concept. I'm really happy with how it turned out.

Voting begins on Jan 27th.

Thank you Dore for all your editing help and Steve for allowing me to take your beautiful mac hostage for hours at a time. You can delete all those files now.

1. What one sentence best describes your idea? (maximum 150 characters)

What if three renewable energy sources could power an electric car?

2. Describe your idea in more depth. (maximum 300 words)

"Energy" is an electric car that relies on the sun, wind, and water for battery power. To be noted: It can also be plugged in. The car is painted with sensitive nano-technology-built solar panels that can absorb most of the sun’s rays. It has a collecting device under the hood that extracts water from the air and can collect rainwater as weather permits. That water is converted to steam, generating its own power for electricity and added thrust. Once the car is in motion, wind generates enough force to turn high-velocity, high-output fans creating additional power for the vehicle. All of these components come together to create electricity that is channeled down to charge bacteria-grown batteries, housed under the vehicle. "Energy" is the ultimate green vehicle that utilizes renewable non-polluting energy resources.

3.What problem or issue does your idea address? (maximum 150 words)

“Energy” will eliminate the messy carbon footprint that most vehicles make on the road today. It aspires to be a fully functioning reliable green vehicle that can take its passengers hundreds of miles in between charges while essentially relying on non-polluting renewable energy sources to power it along its course. Developing more cars like “Energy” would greatly reduce dependence on foreign and domestic oil. Severing ties with oil, and being a limited CO2-producing resource, will improve overall air quality and be a positive step towards reversing the effects of global warming.

4.If your idea were to become a reality, who would benefit the most and how? (maximum 150 words)

Citizens who live in densely populated areas with poor air quality would receive the most benefits from “Energy.” Cities such as New York, Paris, London, Los Angeles, and Houston would see vast improvements in overall air pollution rates, translating into overall human health improvements (ex: asthma rates would drop). These cities could introduce “Energy” as a taxi alternative and then transpose the technology to busses and everyday passenger vehicles. “Energy” would also improve noise pollution, which is a huge problem in cities where streets are narrow and space is limited. “Energy’s” success in the long run would hopefully encourage developing nations like China and India to adopt it as viable transportation option.

5.What are the initial steps required to get this idea off the ground? (maximum 150 words)

The first few steps involve contacting the companies who currently hold patents on the above mentioned technologies and acquire permission to move forward (i.e. nano-solar panels, high-efficiency high-output fans, moisture/rain water collecting hydro unit and bacteria grown batteries). Those companies, combined with specific educational environmental research institutions could help bring “Energy” to life. It would also be important to raise capital investments either through individual investors and/or corporate sponsors. Lastly, the car should be tested through individual eco-marathons, which would help flush out potential problems and modify the idea for improved efficiency and reliability.

6.Describe the optimal outcome should your idea be selected and successfully implemented. How would you measure it? (maximum 150 words)

This project is successful if the vehicle passes all road challenges for reliability and crash standard safety tests, and also outlasts current green vehicles on the market. “Energy” should be cheap enough to build on a mass scale. It should be financially attainable to most working class citizens. It shouldn’t be just a concept vehicle, but seen as a fully functional everyday car. Ultimately, the success of “Energy” will be shown by general public acceptance and procurement.

Our Tax Dollars At Work.

2008-10-13T13:37:00.005-05:00

The federal government is tracking me!

For the fourth time in the past 3 years I've had my emails stopped and examined. The first time was when I described my visit to the "World Trade Center" site. The next one was something about "911." Another I talked to my army friend about his fight against "terrorists" in Iraq (cause everyone knows that's where they're hiding). This time my little email had to once again put her dress heels on, grab the cashmere shawl and head back in to the government party. All because I used the word Jew in the subject line. It's really stupid actually. It was late. I was tired. My bosses name is RJ. I thought it would be silly to say RJew, but I screwed it up and said RJ Jew instead.

MY EMAIL:
Kevin DeBacker
to rrochac
subject rj jew
mailed-by gmail.com
show details Oct 12 (1 day ago)

Hey,

it's Kevin. just wanted to remind you that i made a change in my schedule.

it's in the book but i'll give just type it down for the digital world too.

Monday: Any shift except closing
Tuesday: Can't work
Wed: I love my opening!
Thursday: Can't work
Friday: Can't work
Sat: Any shift
Sun: Any shift

Thanks swift

Keep it real

KEVIN

THE GOVERNMENT:

This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification

THIS IS A WARNING MESSAGE ONLY.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO RESEND YOUR MESSAGE.

Delivery to the following recipient has been delayed:

rrochac

Message will be retried for 2 more day(s)
(Retired meaning, fine combed for the next 48 hrs. for any cryptic messages by Jeremy a lab mouse with a Harvard law degree.)

I wonder if this blog will be forced to pull over...

UCBW Owner Chuck McMahon Totally Looks like Improv Everywhere's Charlie Todd

2008-10-09T18:02:00.005-05:00

THE MYSTERY METHOD

2008-10-09T16:52:00.003-05:00

One of the previous tenants left his entire book collection in my room. Some of the books look interesting like, Guns, Germs, and Steel. And then there are others, How To Get Beautiful Women Into Bed. Here is an excerpt from the inside jacket.

Tips include:

Give more attention to her less attractive friend at first, so your target will get jealous and try to win your attention.

Always approach a target within 3 seconds of noticing her. If a woman senses your hesitation, her estimation of your value will begin to diminish.

Don't be picky. Approach as many groups of people in a bar as you can and entertain them with fun conversation. As you move about the room, positive perception of you will grow. Now it's easy to meet anyone you want.

Smile. Guys who don't get laid don't smile.

He also left, Rules Of The Game and The Secret

Sucks balls that he left. We probably would have had a lot in common. Well I better stop being a dick about this and get back to work. I've been playing around too long.

My Walnut Totally Looks Like A Cylon Raider!

2008-09-28T22:10:00.004-05:00

My favorite musical

2008-09-25T17:07:00.001-05:00

I'm not a huge fan of musicals, but this one makes me want to reconsider.

2008-09-23T23:21:00.005-05:00

I'm drinking Yellow Tail red wine at (watch check or computer clock check) 12:21am on a Tuesday night. I have to get up for work by 6am tomorrow. The wine is surprisingly good. It's full bodied, has a smooth texture, and sits nicely in its crystal glass. I took a 3 hr nap 1 hr. ago so I'll be up for a while. I was kinda hoping that the wine would bring the eyelids down a little. It's not working yet.

During my 3 hr. nap I had a very vivid dream about writing a fantasy novel series. Each book consisted of 800 pgs. of the best writing since Tolkien. 10 series later and I was coined "best new writer of this century." Unfortunately the dream revealed nothing about the books content, only blank pages. I wonder if that's how J.K. got started. She came home after a long day of selfish activities took an unnecessary cat nap and discovered a new book series delivered upon a dream cloud. Except her dream cloud actually came with content!

I'm forcing myself to fall asleep now.

I'm besties with Michelle Obama

2008-09-23T14:52:00.002-05:00

This is the exact email that I received 2 minutes ago from Michelle. We'll probably meet at Cafeteria for dinner.

Kevin --

This Friday, we'll reach another milestone in this campaign -- the first debate of the general election, on September 26th at 9:00 p.m. Eastern time.

Millions of Americans will tune in to watch Barack debate John McCain about America's foreign policy and our role in the world.

Barack will share his plan to bring the change we need -- to restore our place in the world, ensure security at home and abroad, and reestablish the United States as the world's economic leader.

This is a great opportunity for you to learn more about the issues. And it's also a great opportunity for you to share Barack's message of change with your friends, family, and neighbors by attending or hosting a Debate Watch Party.

Watch the debate with friends and supporters, and talk about how you can get involved in this movement.

I recorded a brief message about these parties. Please take a moment to watch the video and sign up to attend or host a Debate Watch Party in your community.

Host or attend a debate watch party

Many Americans are still learning about Barack and this movement for change.

They don't know about his plan to restore the middle class, cut taxes for 95 percent of American families, provide health care for every American, achieve energy independence, improve our schools, and responsibly end the war in Iraq.

Many people also don't know that John McCain has voted with George Bush more than 90 percent of the time -- including to continue Bush's failed Iraq policies, not investigating the government response to Katrina, not supporting children's health care, not supporting college benefits for returning veterans, and passing tax cuts for the rich at the expense of the middle class.

This debate is a chance for Americans to hear directly from Barack. And with just a few weeks left before Election Day, it's more important than ever that we bring people together and talk about the issues that matter in our communities.

I hope you'll watch my short message and sign up to attend or even host a Debate Watch Party:

http://my.barackobama.com/debate

Thank you for all that you're doing,

Michelle

Alex

2008-09-22T14:34:00.005-05:00

My new hair dresser is Russian. He's married, lives in Queens, has a new baby, and recommends the best Russian titty bars in the city. One in particular only reveals the top half, but if you're good looking, go on the right night, and have enough money, you can get all the p***y you want. My new hair dresser also lets me know where I can find the best clubs and lounges in and out of the city. He told me which neighborhoods to avoid and which ones to seek. I should never go to the Bronx without the escort of someone who isn't white. If I want to get f****d up on vodka I should call him, he's got a location for that too. We might even head out to Austin St. in Forest Hills together. Hopefully we won't make the same mistake he did and go on gay night. If that happens we'll most likely lift an eyebrow in an "oh us" expression and pound it out laughing at our situation as we ride away in his new 2009 Nissan Altima. The night will end with a high five like it did as I payed my bill for the cut and took his card.

I love my new hairdresser! The cut was only $15 and the place is located right around the corner from my apartment. Besides where else am I going to go for my discounted gold chain hook up?

Bitches

2008-09-18T00:01:00.013-05:00

I can't tell the bitch customers from the nice ones anymore. I work at a glammed up cafeteria that happens to serve organic food. It's like one of those private school cafeterias. The ones where parents spend 5,000 or more a year for their little ones to consume a healthier diet. The pizza's off the menu but the picnic style dining still seats 6.

Our work has many regulars who are loyal to the product and very entitled. About half of the regulars are very nice and the other half are god awful inbreeds. Well pure breeds cause they're filthy rich, but pure breeds with no souls. Those bad ones are getting harder and harder to discern as they walk smiling through the door. It's usually a two second look that's exchanged, both parties vaguely recognizing the other. On my end all I can think is "was she a total ass the last time I served her?" OR "Did we have a long conversation about how laid back Californians are?"

I need to figure out a better screening process because yesterday one of the evils slipped through. This particular evil wore an all white sun dress, had a pet husband, and was protected by mommy armor as she wheeled her 2 year old son in a jeep like stroller. I couldn't resist the charm and was completely disarmed. That is until she drew first coffee.

Her first strike left me stunned and pushed back against the micros machine. I felt my chest for damage but couldn't find any, so I tightened my apron and headed back to the battlefield. Pen in hand I heard her complaint of a weak latte. Three coffees later and we had reached a stalemate. The demilitarized zone was drawn from chairs 301 to 308. I rested in the stairwell and drew up papers for peace while she likely starved her family focusing all energy on building up ammo reserves. When it was my turn to communicate it was at the safe zone near tables 310 and 311. I dropped off the check and marched back into the ranks of three staring baristas. The air was tense but everything appeared to be fine. She got up and re-arranged diapers on her baby jeep. A retreat at this point was imminent. Oh what a naive thought. It must be my lack of military experience and willingness to use negotiation rather than force that makes me vulnerable to attack.

Boom! She struck again this time almost knocking me over with her baby bottle weighed down vehicle. Her husband had ordered a tea with an extra tea bag and like a trained officer I had rung in the extra bag. This time my head hurt and I was sure it was all over. I'd probably soon fall to the ground in a heap of my own humiliation and shame. "This is no way to die! There is so much I haven't done!" Luckily I remembered my military training and called for the general. General manager Jeanine answered. How could I have been so stupid to focus on bipartisan talks alone? I needed to triangulate the discussions all along! The General was my Fat Man because the white sun dress, pet husband, and baby all swung around retreating for the door with nothing but the words "you Americans and your greed" clouding up behind them. Followed by, "that's what's wrong with this country. When a person gets charged for a second tea, that's when you know things are going down hill. This would never happen in Europe!"

As for me...I received the purple heart for bravery that day, and am now serving out the rest of my service in a much more tightly defended dining section.

One size fits all

2008-09-15T21:45:00.003-05:00

New Yorkers ride up escalators one leg at a time.

2007-10-20T17:33:00.001-05:00

Is your woman a depreciating asset?

2007-10-07T22:58:00.000-05:00

Please read the following if you are at all concerned about the shelf life of your two-legged product. This article has changed my life. I now look through economic glasses when assessing prospective relationships.

THIS IS A CRAIGSLIST ADVERTISEMENT

Subject: What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York, but live in the City. I'm looking to get
married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think
I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives that could
send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
interests
PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.

Race day

2007-09-29T19:53:00.000-05:00

Today I raced in the fifth ave one mile sprint.
The race started on 80th street and finished at 60th.
I followed all the pre-race details.
I ate pasta the night before, a banana in the morning, and gulped a power bar energy pack right before my heat.
When our group of 15 to 29 year old males started I was in the front galloping along at a lightning fast pace.
My initial thought was, "I can win this thing!"
My cloud burst after the 5th block.
Bogged down with an over-inflated sense of potential and lack of training, I quickly hit "the wall."
It wasn't until 3/4 of a mile when my shame was fully realized.
My left eye saw what no real competitor wants to see, a man running faster fully clothed in a heavy rabbit suit, complete with large floppy ears.
I was beat by a mascot.
Official time, 5:13

12- 21-07

2007-08-09T22:33:00.001-05:00

Oh, I'm so naughty for unlocking this.
I've just opened the president's book of secrets.
Shhhh.....

An unimpressive look at the places I've visited

2007-08-07T09:37:00.000-05:00

Peekaboo

2007-08-04T11:40:00.001-05:00

I'm starting a new segment on my blog.
It's called "Peekaboo"

Random SAT vocabulary words often appear in my mind.
They arrive without warning and will reside for months.
Most of the time I have no idea what they mean or how to spell them.

This segments word is UBIQUITOUS

I will now attempt to define the word and spell it.

Ubiquitous: A personal characteristic meaning to be sly.
Sentence: He ubiquitously stole two cookies from the hot baking sheet.

Actual spelling and definition:
Ubiquitous: Being or seeming to be everywhere at the same time; omnipresent: "plodded through the shadows fruitlessly like an ubiquitous spook."

The State

2007-08-04T11:26:00.001-05:00

Romeo and Juliet

2007-07-01T00:04:00.001-05:00

I boxed up the month of June with a night of Shakespeare in the Park.
It was amazing.

A touch before the 8pm Romeo and Juliet showing, I shared beer beverages with my play mates at Dead Poet's. A great bar on 81st and Amsterdam. The drinks were only $4. Which is pretty much unheardof for that area.

See the show. The entire set is centered on a 1/2inch pool of water, which adds amazing theatrical visual effects to an already eye-popping production.

MTV Movie Awards 2007 - Sarah Silverman on Paris Hilton

2007-06-05T15:00:00.001-05:00

Chris sent this to me earlier.
I thought it was worth sharing.

A little confused you are?

2007-06-05T14:22:00.001-05:00

My desire to become a Jedi is gaining momentum again.

I don't know if I should give in and vow an oath to its training or just continue eating chips and salsa while watching the original three series over and over again.

Every few years or so my body lies naked stripped of all earthly desires and desperately seeks the guidance of the energy that surrounds all life forms.

I have found only one avenue on earth that can bring me closer to the force and that is a strict diet of daily Taoist studies. Unfortunately I lack the patience, perseverance, and light saber skills needed. Instead, I will walk the city streets using the power of my imagination. Most simpletons who ignorantly pass by won't even know that I have them in force invoked choke hold.

Perhaps I will succeed in 2009. But for now I will be pressed against the couch as Obi-Wan and Anakin battle on the Mustafar system. "You were the chosen one" will ring through my ears and send emotional tears feathering down my soft sun-exposed cheeks.

Finch

2007-03-30T01:00:00.000-05:00

I love the Discovery and the National Geographic channels.

First of all, Discovery's new 11 part series entitled PLANET EARTH is fucking amazing.

It seriously sent chills up my arms. I'm not ashamed that I was teary eyed for part of the "Mountain Animals episode." I don't know quite how to grasp what made that show so amazing. Maybe it was the music, yea that's what it was. No... The footage. Or it was the mountain goat? Well, it's a must watch either way you flip it. Plus, Oprah has slapped her seal of approval. Now you have no excuses.

I was also blown away while watching National Geographic's Darwin recreation episode. The show concentrated on the galapagos Islands. A finch freaking fished worms out of a tree with a branch. It was amazing! Yes, the winged creature hooked a worm on a stick and ate it. We are no longer the top species people.

Lockheed Martin you dog, you little Satan you

2007-03-22T16:43:00.000-05:00

A Supersonic business jet is flying over a sky near you.

That's right. Soon we (well actually the very wealthy) will be able to travel from New York to Los Angeles in only 2 hrs. How you say? It's all in the wings. Aaerodynamic shaping muffles sonic booms which are a no no in the world of passenger jets. As they cause earsplitting pains on the ground and will most likely leave you huddled crying over a pile of what used to be a brilliantly displayed Shirley Temple doll collection.

Can you imagine flying to your loved ones on the other coast in only 2 hrs? Wow! I'm seriously excited about that possibility. Now to make it more attainable to us groundlings (Perhaps those Concorde people can get their act together). I hate flying and would feel much more comfortable hurling through the sky at a sound breaking 1,100 miles an hour. I know that comes off weird, but it's true. In a regular flight you have 6 hrs of death moments to dwell on. This jet (dubbed the QSST) cuts off four of those miserable hours.

Time to knock on the Trump's door and make up.

25% savings this month

2007-03-19T23:46:00.000-05:00

Introducing Rite Aide on 8th and 24th's easter extravaganza window display. This set-up is a sad lonely sight. It's like a display of unwanted orphans peering out ashamed of who they are. Each junior knowing they won't be chosen because Trish was tired that night and didn't really want the job of head display coordinator in the first place. What with it's 25 cent raise. Trish don't give a flying *&^# she's got a text to reply to and hair that needs twirling.

Chickenhawk Down

2007-03-06T23:18:00.000-05:00

My friend Joey just sent me this job opportunity. Yes, I at one time wanted to be a helicopter pilot (for real, there I said it). Actually I would prefer a job working as an F.B.I. pilot not an Electric Utility one, but this will do.

If you want to remember this job or apply at a later time, click Save job to save it to your personal folder. Helicopter Pilot

Job Reference #
1000003095A
Location
240-Air Opns,Ontario CA

Type

Full Time

Description

Job Category
Professional

Electric Utility Helicopter Flight Captain

Required Certificates:
- Valid FAA Class 1 Medical

- Valid FAA ATP or Commercial Rotorcraft certificate with instrument rating

Required Experience:
- Minimum 3000 hours helicopter pilot in command

- Minimum 800 hours pilot in command above 7000 feet DA

- Minimum 500 hours pilot in command AS350 or MD500

- Demonstrated long-line proficiency

- Proven record of safety

Additional knowledge and Skills:
Basic computer skills; Must demonstrate excellent oral, written and interpersonal skills

Job Description:
SCE uses helicopters to support and maintain the integrity of our electric utility system across 54,000 square miles of service territory. Our aircraft are based in Ontario, California and are available 365 days per year. Most of our activities are in the wire environment or similar supporting work. We routinely land above 10,000 msl. Our pilots are required to have significant external load experience. Most of our flying is patrolling, supporting crews, replacing power poles and similar work in a field operations environment.

Candidates must be able to work within the framework of a carefully organized team.

We offer a highly competitive salary and benefits plan.

Safety is always our first priority.

Hooray for 11th grade fantasies!

Now showing

2007-02-21T21:34:00.000-05:00

"Having children made him a father. Taking care of them made him a man."
(Forgetting the condom during an after party evening with that oh so delicious honey tater tot from club Opel. Something he'll regret for the rest of his life.)

I am not yet a New Yorker

2007-02-16T11:26:00.000-05:00

I awoke to 2 inches of snow today and instead of angrily cursing the weather, I wanted to play.

I still equate snow with the unbridled joy and happiness of a winter vacation in Tahoe. At first light this morning I was ready to eat an egg, bacon, and French toast dish before heading out to the mountain with my snowboard. All before returning later in the day to a warm fire aglow, scrabble, ping pong, and drinking games at the ready. Instead I went to Trader Joe's. Oh the life of an adult.

Now I can at least tell my kid that is if I have one, that I had to trek 20 blocks in the snow without the help of a roll cart to carry my groceries. You kids have it easy, what with your load bearing hovering robots.

Senior UNIX administrator

2007-02-06T10:20:00.000-05:00

Three simple steps for creating the most alluring craigslist headline.

I. Write in all caps. IT'S MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAT WAY.
II. Be vague like, "This is the last interview you will ever attend."
III. or simply put "Starving..."

Here is the actual ad titled, "starving..."

We seek team members for internal sales positions and external enterprise sales roles. In order to be considered you must match the following criteria:

Be starving…not just hungry
Extremely outgoing
The class clown
Know how to have fun at work
Self starter
Team player
Competitive
Understand the meaning of hard work
Be prepared to work in a fast paced and energetic environment

* Make sure your prospectives are starving and not just hungry. I've met quite a few hungry people and let's face it, they don't make good salesmen.

That's cold

2007-02-04T15:06:00.000-05:00

New York, NY

26 degrees

FEELS LIKE 13

Anchorage, Alaska

19 degrees

FEELS LIKE 19

THIS JUST IN.
The wind chill today was -9

Take that Alaska!

Undiscovered

2007-02-02T19:43:00.000-05:00

I’ve reached a new low.

I have come to NY in search of the dream and have found Bowlmor Lanes.
To my surprise the open call interviews brought forth about 30 well-put together individuals.

My audition consisted of me and 3 others all wondering what had happened in our lives to bring us to this point. An over-zealous manager made us answer questions like. “What’s your favorite ice cream? Now sell it to me.” Let’s face it, I blew but not as bad as the guy next to me who said he had come to NY to be an actor but after several years decided to readjust his dreams and become a career server. How did he put it? Oh yea, “I just love putting smiles on faces.” Will this be my future? Will I one day hear the sound of bowling pins drop and go, “yep I’ve made it?”

The girl across me didn’t fair much better either. She wasn’t clinging to the joy of serving as a lifeline. Instead she, when asked a question would go, "oh, I didn’t know that we were going to be asked specific questions about customer service." Avidase.

Now I knew it was just going to be me and the girl with all the right answers. Of course each correct response of hers was chased by an interview-trained convincing smile.

It turns out that the manager liked us both. He normally didn’t do this, but wanted to make sure that we didn’t slip through his eager not so little fingers. A special request was made and a visit to Elizabeth in payroll followed.

Elizabeth was kind and big on the up sell. She sent us on our way with a promise to call that evening. I’m still waiting on that promise. Actually let me rephrase, I’m thankful the promise has not come, because at this low juncture in life I would have taken it.

(I’m not wearing underwear, and have been re-using socks for the past week. Just a side note.)

My new low carries me even further on into a comedy location called the PIT. You see I had gone to the PIT on a scouting mission. The PIT has a free for all 3-person improv off on Wed nights. I wanted to see if the PIT offered a sea of talent that would shun a beginner like myself. Nope, it's just a good ol' fun place for a beginner like myself to improve. Thanks to the PIT.

Unfortunately while sitting in the audience I stuck out in another way. My right neighbor was kind and eager to jump on stage for his group performance. I was eager to find out if he was the source of the extreme foul death smelling puke shit combo that was invading my happiness. Every time the lights went down I would throw in quick sniff recon missions. Nope, not the neck. My thoughts: “Where in the mother of all glory is that smell coming from. If it’s not his upper half, then it must be his lower portion.” LIGHTS DOWN. Sniff. “Nope.” I soon gave up on the pursuit and put my right leg over my left to both relax and further distance myself from the stank. Inner thought: “There’s that stank again.” Leg down. “Where did it go?” Leg up. “There it is again.” Down, up, down, up. “Uh oh.”

Damn, my attempts at avoiding the dog poo mined path from apartment to subway had failed. My uggs had most likely stepped in poo on the way and with the stickiness of recycled dog food was able to adhere itself to subway vomit.

Note: There were SOME talented people at the PIT mixed in with a lot of beginning students. The best three-person team was a team that consisted of UCB talent. With that said, show up some time and play. It's fun.

5 things you may soon hate about me

2007-01-27T22:13:00.000-05:00

Yes! I have been tagged. Unlike Chris I'm actually excited about this little assignment. Should I be ashamed of my glee? I think not. It's Saturday night, Chris is asleep, I've watched all I can handle on TV, my mouth is filled with shameful stolen dark chocolate m&m's, and I've burned up all my weekend fun cash (but as "Rich Dad Poor Dad" would say, I'm broke not poor. Being broke is a temporary dilemma). So thank you Chris and thank you Katie. Now in case you don't know, I'm supposed to write shameful or random little known facts about myself.

1. I'm very neurotic about spelling. I have to spell check everything, even myspace messages. I used to think that I just couldn't spell, but now I'm beginning to think it's all in my head. I've beaten my brain into thinking that every time I write, a mistake is sure to follow. This confidence level drops to an even lower rung when I'm forced to write out something for an over the shoulder boss. I actually slip into a bit of paranoia. Sweat pours from my head and neck, my fingers curl, and my mind races to find and exit strategy.

2. During high school and dipping into college, I used to wish accidents on myself so that I could get out of unwanted tests or in most of the cases getting up early. This is all quite weird because I would wish for a non-fatal car accident before early morning water polo practice. But these wishes involved me getting up and into the car for the accident to actually occur. In which case I would already be up. I guess my mind was too sleepy to think through the particulars.

At present, I put my alarm clock in the kitchen so that I can get up on time. During the steps it takes to attend to the ringing I have already thought of several out plans and have re-thought my entire career goals.

3. I have a re-occurring daydream that I nurture ever so delicately and often. It starts something like this. I'm on a trans-continental flight to an unknown destination. While the flight is in motion and 5 hours are still in need of being eaten up. The stewardess by mistake, invites me to sit in business class for the duration. Once in business class I enjoy a reclining leather chair with a fan like mechanism that separates me from my direct neighbor. In this fantasy, I slide the fan down and find myself staring eye to eye with Hayden Christensen. It turns out that by some strange twist of fate (or just the mechanical workings of my mind design) first class was full, and being the nice guy my dream has made him up to be, Hayden agrees to sit in business. Don't ask me why this sequence takes place in business class, just roll with it. We shake hands and then begin to play a high anxiety game of speed. After the game becomes a boor we just start joking and talking about life. He mentions home, I mention my time at the lake. Wake boarding is brought up and the next thing I know I'm being pulled by a private boat driven by Hayden.

4. I really don't' like nipple hair. Many moments in my life have been burned up with me , tweezers, and my poor little nipple hairs. I often sit and write with my shirt off, it's just more comfortable that way. I can't help but to notice the perfectly formed man breasts below me. Each sculpted man breast poses a hairy problem that deserves five minutes of individual attention. I can live with the hair on my upper chest and naval, but I draw the line at the nipps.

5. I'm into men's fashion. I know, I know, how lame. You may say that my outward appearance tells a different story, but deep down I'm a cheap dirty trend whore. Just the other day I bought the special black magazine on fashion. It appears that I'm in need of suit vests, and lucky me, there in! Light colored striped shirts look bang'n underneath a dark vest and pressed slacks. I hate pleats (of which I own a pair), overly baggy clothes, not baggy enough, and large designs on jeans. I love wool Jackets. The perfect wool jacket shall be mid-thigh have 3 inside pockets, be light grey, have big buttons, a giant hood, and will form to the angles of my body.

I would pass this on to more bloggers, but simply put, I don't know enough.

Chlorophyll

2007-01-23T21:27:00.000-05:00

Some jobs have security guards while others have janitors; we at the bio hedge company have the flower family. The flower family consists of three. The frumpy mother with an oversized hat spot lighted by a single centered rose, her seemingly normal looking daughter, and their all too focused plant-watering father. They each own an emotional stake in all the on site potted plants. Every other day plant father replenishes all his leafy friends. While every other week, the daughter and mother combo come to arrange a new aesthetically pleasing Eye Joy.

If your lucky you can capture the creative magic as it happens. This week I was that lucky person and was able to catch a glimpse at their serious, no very serious task. This week the girls were creating a centerpiece for the entryway. This week’s Eye Joy consisted of bamboo shoots and long-stemmed purple pleasures. The daughter came in first with a grin, plants in one hand, and snippets in the other. I believe that it was her mind to fill the entry way with two points: a. breathtaking beauty, and b. fresh flowery aroma. This assignment was not taken lightly and thus required her extreme concentration. She plucked a little here, and snipped a little there. Finally after about thirty minutes her Eye Joy was complete. Sadly for her though, the ecstasy was short lived, because frumpy rose in hat mother who didn't talk, but rather moaned and grumbled disagreed with the creation. Instead of politely explaining why she didn’t like the setup, she quickly shooed her thirty year-old daughter away, and decided to spend the next forty five minutes destroying the previous arrangement and creating her own version of that weeks Eye Joy. Just when I thought her assignment was complete, a series of twenty walk-backs HAD to occur.

Walk-back: To turn completely around, take about fifteen steps in the other direction with head down. Once away, you must pivot on point and examine your work. Once finished eying the work, you briskly walk forward and cut any stray branches. Sort of like fussing with your hair, only a lot more serious.

On her final walk-back the mother landed squarely into the angry daughter who at this time had been waiting impatiently by the front door. The two of them without words exited the building and were not seen by me again.

You had me at hello

2007-01-12T12:16:00.000-05:00

A very special and heartwarming unveiling occurred on Tuesday Jan 9th in San Francisco; an incident that has left me dumbfounded and tear-stricken with joy for the past few days. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around this strange occurrence. Yet I know that every decade or so technology makes a giant leap forward, and the world just has to make room.

When I was five years old it was the development and distribution of Bigfoot, a giant little kids driving vehicle, top speed 3 MPH. My Bigfoot beckoned me from my fathers 32inch wooden encased television screen, but didn’t actually show its shiny blue face until Christmas 85’.

The next historic and important technological leap forward was invented in 1980, but didn’t become a necessity in my life until I was 12, the Hepatitis B vaccine. Okay, everyone knows I didn’t start contracting sexually transmitted diseases until last year, but I needed to share something personal to get you emotionally hooked for the duration of this reading experience.

Actually it was the cool factor addition of Arnett sunglasses. Sure they may have been invented years earlier, but once on they always felt new to me. I credit those sunglasses for keeping me competitively in the upper middle portion of my high school social pack. Life could 180 quickly during those fragile yet formative freshman and sophomore years, so I needed Arnett to help me stay fresh and sub par with the rest of them.

I had been waiting for some time for the next “big thing” to happen. Years had passed and nothing. Luckily when my heart had given up and all hope was fading. APPLE introduced the iPHOHE! Thank you Mr. Job’s from all your loyal consumers. Finally a contraption that can: play itunes, surf the web, and answer and make calls. Now, only one device can make your entire tech savy enjoyment greedy needs come true. Who cares what the consequences will be when that “one” device breaks down, and I have lost all my musical delights, contacts, and “I told you so” dignity.

For the record, I HAVE NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE THAN THIS IPHONE. Except for that official pilot’s flight jacket back in the sixth grade, the one with lambs wool lining, and that damn flying plane on a string. Oh, and braces, but the freaking iPHONE! It’s vulture circling on the top of my emotional, physical, and spiritual carcas. Unfortunatfreakinglitly the phone cost around $500, and is only available in the world’s most unreliable network, Cingular. Cingular delivers its Olympic sized worse performance here in NYC too. And they don’t offer the IN-network calling.

What’s a guy to do, but dream? Perhaps I can wait until 2011 when the Cingular contract is dropped and my pockets are lined with more than just receipts.

For now, let me share with you the particulars of this wonder gadget. It’s of course small like the nano, well a little bigger. It has a touch screen surface, which means that everything is activated with ease. NO more messy buttons. Once you put the iphone to your ear a sensor will automatically turn off the touch screen, allowing you to talk with the comfort of knowing that your face won’t automatically touch the sensor screen buttons. It has web browsing abilities that show full page displays, not the fragmented type that is currently used by the so-called “smart phones.” It syncs with your outlook or Mac address book. And Apple is going to offer free push email from yahoo which, as you know is not normally free.

When, oh when?

Testing

2006-12-04T01:00:00.000-05:00

Rae Walker recently asked me to research something that is on the outer limits of this site’s abilities. Luckily, I have a team of devoted Orange Coast College students who diligently researched around the clock so that I could bring Rae nothing but the facts. Mrs. Walker, here is a list of companies that currently test on animals. It is quite large, which I was surprised to see.

The following companies test on animals. The words in parenthesis are examples of some of the products that each company carries. The companies in bold have currently suspended testing, but will possibly continue in the future.

Arm & Hammer(Church & Dwight)
Bic Corporation
Boyle-Midway (Reckitt Benckiser)
Braun (Gillette Company)
Chesebrough-Ponds (Fabergé, Ponds, Vaseline)
Church & Dwight (Aim, Arm & Hammer, Arrid, Brillo, Close-up, Lady’s
Choice, Mentadent, Nair, Pearl Drops)
Clairol (Aussie, Daily Defense, Herbal Essences, Infusium 23, Procter & Gamble)
Clorox (ArmorAll, Formula 409, Fresh Step, Glad, Liquid Plumber, Pine-Sol, Soft Scrub, S.O.S., Tilex)
Colgate-Palmolive Co. (Ajax, Hills Pet Nutrition, Mennen, Palmolive,
SoftSoap, Speed Stick)
Coty (Adidas, Calvin Klein, Davidoff, Glow, The Healing Garden, JOOP!, Jovan, Kenneth Cole, Lancaster, Marc Jacob, Rimmel, Stetson)
Cover Girl (Procter & Gamble)
Del Laboratories (CornSilk, LaCross, Naturistics, New York Color, Sally Hansen)
Dial Corporation (Purex, Renuzit)
Erno Laszlo
Gillette Co. (Braun, Duracell, Procter & Gamble)
Curtis Industries (Salon Selectives, Thermasilk, Unilever)
Johnson & Johnson (Aveeno, Clean & Clear, Neutrogena, Rembrandt, ROC)
Lever Bros. (Unilever)
L’Oréal U.S.A. (Biotherm, Cacharel, Garnier, Giorgio Armani, Helena
Rubinstein, Lancôme, Matrix Essentials, Maybelline, Ralph Lauren
Fragrances, Redken, Soft Sheen, Vichy)
Max Factor (Procter & Gamble)
Mead
Melaleuca
Mennen Co. (Colgate-Palmolive)
Neoteric Cosmetics
New Dana Perfumes
Noxell (Procter & Gamble)
Olay Co./Oil of Olay (Procter & Gamble)
Oral-B (Gillette Company)
Pantene (Procter & Gamble)
Pfizer (BenGay, Desitin, Listerine, Lubriderm, Plax, Visine)
Physique (Procter & Gamble)
Playtex Products (Banana Boat)
Procter & Gamble Co. (Clairol, Cover Girl, Crest, Gillette, Giorgio, Iams, Max Factor, Physique, Tide)
Reckitt Benckiser (Easy Off, Lysol, Mop & Glo, Old English, Resolve, Spray ’N Wash, Veet, Woolite)
Richardson-Vicks (Procter & Gamble)
Sally Hansen (Del Laboratories)
Schering-Plough (Bain de Soleil, Coppertone, Dr. Scholl’s)
S.C. Johnson (Drano, Edge, Fantastik, Glade, OFF!, Oust, Pledge, Scrubbing Bubbles, Shout, Skintimate, Windex, Ziploc)
SoftSoap Enterprises (Colgate-Palmolive)
Suave (Unilever)
Unilever (Axe, Dove, Helene Curtis, Lever Bros., Suave)

http://www.caringconsumer.com/resources_companies.asp

For the love of god, when will they ever stop making me copy!

2006-12-04T00:58:00.000-05:00

My current job is a 2-week position at a huge bio-hedge fund.
I'm guessing that they’re raking in the dollars cause the place is located in such a position that its head has a 5 mile view of golden lined brown tree tops that make up central park, and its ass windows face times square. My desk is somewhere in the canal of the right ear. I love my view, and I finally have my own computer, one in which I can quietly and quickly flip from gmail to excel as each employee passes by. My biggest gripe with the company isn't that I have to adorn my wrinkled shirt with a tie everyday, or the fact that no one talks to each other, but that the company has no regard for how it uses or misuses paper. Call me a captain of the next generation, or even a bit friendly with the environment, but I don't think it's necessary to make as many copies as I'm told to do.

Let me explain…

My temporary company is getting audited soon. They request that I go through a spreadsheet, pull select expense reports and have them copied. That sounds fine, right? Wrong! Each expense report has about 20 pages attached, with loose paper receipts, airline tickets, and cell phone bills. Every one of those must be copied and stored in a separate file. There are about 100 expense reports per year and I have to go through 4 years. I had a bright environmental solution while my brain was hallucinating on toner fumes. I asked my boss why we don't just hand the originals to the IRS, (especially since they return them)? Her response was to think for a moment, grasp her fingers tighter around the papers in hand, pause some more, and then tell me to just keep copying.

When will large companies realize that they have to be the leaders in making change? No, I'm not against big corporations, but I would like some of these moneymaking business’ to consider the future of our planet.

Understanding labels

2006-12-04T00:50:00.000-05:00

I already posted this on the environment site but that it was better suited for this one.

The following was found through cnn.com. The site is listed below. I trimmed some of the information so that the length could be cut down.

It says "organic" or "all natural" on the label -- but what does that really mean? Do you know what you're getting when you're shopping at the supermarket? Here are explanations behind some of the labels you might see while roaming the aisles.

Organic
"without using most conventional pesticides; fertilizers made with synthetic ingredients or sewage sludge; bioengineering; or ionizing radiation." Organic meat, poultry, eggs and dairy products are produced without the use of growth hormones or antibiotics. The "USDA Organic" seal means 95 to 100 percent of ingredients are organic. Products with 70 to 95 percent organic ingredients can't use the seal but can advertise organic ingredients on the package front. Products with less than 70 percent organic ingredients can identify specific ingredients on the side panel.

Grass fed
This means that the animal was fed on grass, but it doesn't necessarily mean the animal spent its entire life grazing. Check the fine print to see if it was "grain finished," which means the animal was fattened on grain prior to slaughter. Some producers say this improves flavor but it may also mean the animal spent its final days in a feedlot.

Natural
On many foods, "natural" can mean whatever the manufacturer says. The USDA "natural" standard for meat and poultry means no artificial ingredients or colorings have been added and that the product has been minimally processed -- meaning the raw product has not been fundamentally altered. The label must explain the USDA definition.

Locally grown
Many stores and farmers markets feature locally grown products, often identifying the farm and farmers by name and photographs. Web sites such as LocalHarvest.org help consumers identify farms, markets and restaurants offering local food, which is touted as reducing transportation costs and energy use while helping support the environment and smaller farms.

Sustainable
This term often refers to wood products. The American Forest & Paper Association's Sustainable Forestry Initiative calls for growers to use "environmentally responsible practices that promote the protection of wildlife, plants, soil, air and water quality." The international Forest Stewardship Council certifies forests according to a set of standards "that address legal issues, indigenous rights, labor rights ... and environmental impacts." There is a move afoot to create a sustainable agriculture label that would require growers to meet soil, water, wildlife and labor standards while allowing the use of pesticides, unlike organic farmers.

Hormone- or antibiotic-free
Hormone-free pertains mainly to beef or lamb, as federal regulations ban the use of hormones in poultry and pork. The product can be labeled "no hormones administered" if sufficient documentation is provided to the USDA to show that no hormones were used in raising the animal. If you see the "no hormones" label on pork or poultry it should have the disclaimer that federal regulations don't allow them. The USDA allows the use of the words “no antibiotics added” for meat or poultry products if producers supply sufficient documentation to demonstrate that the animals were raised without antibiotics.

GM- or GE-free
Genetically modified or genetically engineered foods are not required to be labeled as such in the U.S., as some consumer or science groups have urged. The FDA says it can only require labeling if there's something "tangibly different" about the food, not the way it's made, and that it "has no information that the use of biotechnology creates a class of food that is different in quality, safety or any other attribute from food developed using conventional breeding techniques." As a result, food processors that don't use GM/GE ingredients often label their goods as such. The FDA says that's OK, "as long as the information is truthful and not misleading to consumers."

Healthy, low or free
The FDA defines “healthy” as food limited in fat, sodium and cholesterol and a good source of nutrients such a protein, fiber, calcium or vitamins A or C. Other terms such as “low,” “reduced” and “light” vary by the substance they’re identifying. For example, “low-fat” means 3 grams or less per serving, “reduced” means 25 percent less than the regular product and light means 50 percent less. “Free” means that there is no amount or a “physiologically inconsequential” amount of the component in question. For instance, “fat-free” means the food has less than a half gram of fat per serving.

Antibacterial or antimicrobial
Often found on soap and other washing products, mean they contain chemicals that should kill or inhibit the growth of bacteria. The FDA published a study in 2005 saying that such products were no better at stopping illness than products without those ingredients, and experts have warned that overuse of such products could create resistant strains of bacteria. There are also concerns that chemicals in antibacterial soaps are being released into the environment in the form of sewage sludge that ends up on farm fields. The American Medical Association has urged the avoidance of antibacterial soaps since 2000.

Free-range
Poultry and eggs can be labeled "free-range" or "free-roaming," but this means only that producers must demonstrate to the USDA that the poultry "has been allowed access to the outside."

http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2006/buying.green/

Gables

2006-11-26T21:21:00.000-05:00

720 South Dixie Hwy 1

Miami....
Hmm...
Definitely not a place that I would want to retire to.
I admit, South Beach is pretty impressive.
The ocean waters of the Atlantic are seriously spectacular.
I have never seen an ocean front more beautiful.
Sand as white and smooth as triple-threaded jersey made sheets.
Water the color of sky mixed with a tropical green hue.
The weather is absolutely perfect (well that is if you enjoy sweating, which I do).

So what is it?

Well, it's boring for one thing, and there isn't a good public transportation system set in place. okay I'm spoiled I live in NYC. The city just isn't mixed culturally like NYC is either. Or maybe it was the accommodations?

Gables Inn offers the kind of cleanliness that you would expect for 90.00 a night. For instance, upon opening a Gables room you will find yourself surrounded by the smell of cigarettes and ass. Round the corner to the left and in the bathroom/closet are rusted coat hangers in which to hang your delicate blouse. A leaking faucet and a a few dead bugs make up the sink. Don't worry Gables has more luxurious secrets. If you choose to take a moment and step back out and into the common area you will notice the tiled floor absent of any type of grout. Take a bounce on the bed. Ummm... feels nice. No you aren't sweating, it's the blanket that is perpetually moist. Don't spend all your time in that open space though, swing back by the bathroom. Ahh, back near the bugs, as you pass through the door that won't shut and into the toilet area you will find a cigarette placed for your smoking convenience on the shower window. Roll the toilet paper out and add your own abstract art. Perhaps some vomit will help compliment the blood on the first few sheets. Your stuffed up from traveling, why not end your trip and sit on the vagina sipping toilet. That's right the toilet hole looks just like a woman's labia.

At least the looming 10 ft security gate cradled next to a four foot retaining wall made me feel safe.

4 Stalls

2006-11-23T21:25:00.000-05:00

Two weeks ago my resolve and wits were stretched to their limits in one of the most painful bathroom standoffs I’ve ever experienced.

Our lavish building is located in such a position that all the front office windows have aerial views of the interlocking golden brown treetops that make up central park. So it goes without question that the office work bathroom would be clean, elegant, and quiet. It is, and I enjoy every serine peaceful moment unwinding in absolute silence that I can get.

On one particular mid-afternoon, mundane middle of the work week moment, I had again waited until the last minute to release pressure. For some reason I think that by waiting until the last minute will make the day go by faster. Honestly I can’t explain the logic behind this, it just seems to work (don’t question it). Anyway, I pushed the first door open in a hurry and continued on through the second unnecessary privacy door only to find that the number 4 stall was occupied. This was a major kink in the unloading plan, but it didn’t slow my pace to the stall as the urgency was great, and time was of the utmost importance. Instead I calmly whisked off to the number one stall hoping that it would only be a short time before my fellow bathroom brother would finish.

It is my assumption that who ever is in the bathroom first must give the right away to the following bathroom patron and thus out of decency should finish up his business and allow the second in line to resume in peace. Unfortunately my foe did not understand common toilet courtesy and decided that he was going to give ME the right away passage. Oh no! This is not how it was going to go down. Thus the standoff began. The first 5 minutes were surprisingly painless, as it seemed more like a competition, and I crave games where one solid winner is apparent. It was about 5 more minutes and the sound of cell phone texting that started to rattle my pride and unsettle my nerves. Get back in the game Ryan, if he wants to text then you text boy, go on! This back and forth went on for another few moments until silence again filled the exceptionally clean thoughtfully tiled room. The showdown of mental and physical strength started to swing in my favor though when the sound of shuffling feet, and a toilet seat cover being rattled could be heard two stalls over. Yes, victory is mine! The toilet flushed and a few seconds later water ran from the sink. Now all I have left of this fierce but losing competitor are his brown Macy's shoes, and the bottom 2 inches of his dark slacks.

To this day I have been trying to find my challenger, and to this day I am sad to report that I have been unsuccessful at identifying him. I have imagined finding him on the eve of my last day at the temp job. Our eyes meet in the copy room, we both look down at our shoes, a long pause follows, a warrior cry is heard, and then a bloody fight to the death follows. Sure, it would go down like that. Perhaps I watch too much television.

Clean for a change

2006-11-21T21:26:00.000-05:00

Wednesday was my day to shine. I spent the morning grooming, putting on a bright clean button up, wearing a tie, and shaving. I wanted to look like a billion bucks on the day before Thanksgiving, and I wanted my fellows co-workers to know that I'm not a slob. I can dress up with the best of them. Unfortunately as a temp I wasn't included on the mass email list reminding everyone that the day before Thanksgiving will be marked as a day to dress down. And didn't realize this until I passed two pairs of Levi's, three Hanes T-shirts, and sneakers on the way to my cubicle. Oh phooey. The one day when I can get away with looking like junk and I missed the opportunity. Well, I hope that my pressed tie and slicked back hair made them feel as if their million dollar salaries meant nothing in my presence.

This way?

2006-10-26T21:52:00.000-05:00

Dear Mr. Inconsiderate walker,

New York is a busy city with millions of people sharing the sidewalks. Pleas stop walking in diagonal patterns across the asphalt especially while talking on your phone. Also, please don't walk three abreast. I know that you want to talk to your friends and not have to turn back to communicate, but your setup doesn't allow for much passing room. Lastly, do you sense when I'm trying to pass and purposely move to my position? Cause I'm holding my line. There must be some hidden magnetic pull that wants to dock up as I approach, just don't. And never walk blindly out of a store straight across the sidewalk, look both ways as you approach.

Thank you

Kevin

P.s. Perhaps I just need to slow down.

Isn’t it time for a city walk?

2006-10-26T21:51:00.000-05:00

I'm glad that you've decided to come down from your neck-bending apartment and enjoy what the city has to offer. You are going to have the most glorious/wonderful day. The sun is out, the birds are chirping, and the temperature is in the mid 70's. Perhaps you should go read a book next to that birch or lay down on the fluffy grass in that inviting corner park? Ah, life couldn't be more relaxing. Oooohhh, look over there it looks like a beauti... HONK

Hello everyone, I'm a horn, and I'm the worst contraption ever invented.
Sure, I may save a life on an occasion, and I might even be used once in a while to gently remind the elder lady in her brown Plymouth that the light has changed. But, you must know that I'm actually here to ruin your city walking experience. About 99% of the time, I'm absolutely useless, but nonetheless I want to remind you that I'm here and in charge of your irritableness. The cabbies who I've appointed as the generals to your sadness are not here to drive passengers from one location to another. No silly, that's just a front, a cover if you will. The minute my cabbies notice calm and the city settling into a pleasant utopia, they will apply the most obnoxious pressure, bringing my kingdom back under their palm. Ha, ha, ha, I'm a bastard, I know. But no one would ever use or pay attention to me if I didn't assert myself as the asshole. No one loves an asshole, but they always know he's there. Well I must be going there are quiet streets to ruin.

Sincerely
HONKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John Walsh

2006-10-26T21:50:00.000-05:00

I recently watched Larry King on CNN.
I like Larry King, there is something about his hunched shoulders, tiny little eyes that peer thoughtfully through shiny glasses, bright shirts, and poignant questions that put me at ease.

On this particular evening he was hosting John Walsh the founder of America's Most Wanted. King and Walsh seemed to have a great connection. Their discussions weren't forced, and you could tell that they had a genuine respect for each other. Walsh blew me away with his views on politics and how to handle specific issues. He was neither far left nor right, but spoke in my view, straight at the issues, and searched for resolutions rather than just beating at the question from all sides and in the end not answering it. I guess I'm just so used to how most politicians answer questions that I was surprised when bullshit was put aside and the direct question was answered.

He's not the "bullshit" cutter that O'Reilly claims to be either. Which brings me to another frustration, O'Reilly. I watched him on Oprah, and I'm sure that I'm on the late train, but I finally realized that he really doesn't care and isn't giving his honest opinions, he's just an entertainer who has picked a hard line to sell books and a show.

Walsh should have his own CNN show similar to the platform that King’s show follows, but instead Walsh could be asked the questions. No, I'm not saying everything that comes out of his mouth is gold, but I'm saying that he speaks his mind in an open-minded intelligent way and seems to understand that people are not all programmed the same.

$UCKER!

2006-10-08T11:21:00.000-05:00

After 25 years on this earth, and nearly 5 years of actual work experience behind me, I have finally uncovered what an internship really is.

I have recently been looking for a job. My tool yesterday, today, and tomorrow is, has been, and will always be, craigslist. I have found craigslist to be an irreplaceable job site search engine. Unfortunately the term job is loosing its bank lining power. You see, internships are popping up everywhere. I of course am a sucker for the work experience promised allure. I fall for their marketing gimmicks almost every time. I know that I shouldn’t flinch or pause as I pass over the bold capitalized letters, but of course I do. These are some of the traps that have been set: INTERNSHIP- Assistant Direct, INTERSHIP- Music entertainment. Sure, you might be saying to yourself, “well those seem perfectly reasonable. How else are you supposed to gain such valuable work experience?" To that I say, take a look at these examples. INTERNSHIP – Dishwasher, INTERNSHIP – Pastry Chef, INTERNSHIP – C.E.O of a multi- international company. Am I becoming brainwashed into thinking that people shouldn’t actually get paid for their work?

The low down; the term internship is delievered by a dark-hearted company with a shrinking budget, and it simply means. “We don’t want to pay you for your services. Now come work for us sucker, we have some research that needs to be done, and some files to be filed. Sue, do you need your coffee warmed up? Call Kevin the intern." I of course am the ass that goes, hmmm…. a magazine company really wants little ol’ me to answer their important phone calls, well gosh-b-golly, I can do that. They must think of me as a valued asset to their team. And what was that you say? I’m going to earn how much experience an hour?

Biscuits and Gravy?

2006-09-19T12:58:00.000-05:00

Millions watched last night as Aaron Sorkin, the creator of West Wing, unveiled his next well-executed drama, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. The show dazzled and wowed its viewers for a full hour all while giving them an all-star cast like Matthew Perry, and the much-anticipated braw dropping Amanda Peet to oogle at. These actors were all colored neatly into the beautifully drafted storyline. But the one actor that went out of the lines and took everyone by surprise was Chris Kelly’s butt. Sorkin, who normally deals with writing the shows, new he wanted something to really moonlight his creation, and thus cast Chris’ butt at the last minute. Entertainment Weekly called the move “bold, but his role was a sure fit.” Mathew Perry, with a coy look on his face and a finger curling a dangling lock of misplaced hairs commented by saying, “I watched the show in its entirety last night, and just cracked up.” A Variety spokesperson named Shelly Wong; from the half-inch space between the bathrooms stall had this to say while flipping the pages of Stuff magazine, “his sweet man pillows lifted the show to great heights.” Newsweek could not be reached for comment, but did have this pre-recorded message conveniently digitized on their answering machine. “Excellent, flawless performance, with raw and emotional power.” A People spokesperson, rushing to her late luncheon wasn’t able to comment due to the keys in her mouth, and her inability to hear, (a birth canal accident that has left her deaf in both ears, and one that still estranges her from her natural born parents) but she did manage to eventually sign, “he really blew the pants off those other guys.” All in all, Chris’ butt has made its way into millions of American homes and hearts on Monday night. And most people agree that Aaron’s show, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, coupled with Chris' asset, will continue to succeed for years to come.

Bump

2006-09-06T11:25:00.000-05:00

I have been under attack for the last 48 hours.
The enemy has been merciless in their pursuit for blood.
My only ally to this point has been a bottle of anti-itch Aloe Vera lotion.
The winged beasts launch their assaults in the cover of night.
I have suffered many blows, and have the battle scars to prove that my pain is real.
Luckily, last night was a night that will live on in infamy.
I came at them with the advantage of owning an 11inch sneaker.
Two went down fast, then another, but three were still at large.
What was I to do?
Ah ha, the ol' bait and kill tactic.
Lights went down, and the bait of exposed skin was set, now all I had to do was wait.
BOOM! "I got you, you SOB."
"Who's the man now."
My victory cheers were silenced when the sound of one last buzzing mosquito flew overhead, and hid somewhere in the depths of the closet.
"ahhh...I give up!"
Today’s 10 bites were a reminder that my room is still not secure.
Tonight is my last hope.
Will I be blemish free or will my enemy steal a long hicky late into the night?

Scraggly

2006-08-08T13:53:00.000-05:00

A strange tiny woman wearing a long Native American inspired turquoise shirt, short jean cutoffs, and displaying brittle/damaged hair, suddenly appeared next to my jewelry cart. Our conversation only lasted about 30 seconds, but her 5’2 skinny frame will be burned in my brain for at least a couple of weeks from now
Scraggly: Are you famous?

Me: No.

Scraggly: Oh… Do you own this cart?

Me: No.

Scraggly: You look like someone famous.

Me: Uh…. Cool, who?

Scraggly: Is it expensive to own this cart?

Me: I don’t know it’s not mine.

Scraggly: Oh, are you European?

Me: Umm… I have Belgian/French blood flowing through me.

Scraggly: You look like a Dutch person? What did you study in college?

Me: Acting/Anthropology/Education.

Scraggly: Why?

Me: The thrill of being poor.

Scraggly: I don’t like the stage it scares me.

Me: (Pat, pat on her back) I’ve got to help this guy, well bye it was nice meeting you.

Scraggly: Oh, what type of material is your shirt?

Me: I’m really sorry, I’ve got to go.

Scraggly: Oh?
And then Scraggly left just as fast as she had come. She was nothing but mist in the wind, or a stomach churn after an international dish. Her endearing outfit, sun-kissed cheeks, and important questions are all that I have left. Was she a messenger sent from a distant planet to test my willingness to interact? Or was she just a ghost conjured up by my imagination? Only a possible 2^nd meeting will determine the truth

Current feeling, So T'URED!

2006-08-03T13:46:00.000-05:00

As many of you already know, I am moving to NY in a less than a month. To get ready for my exciting journey, I decided to add an extra job onto the financial wagon. Let me tell you, the wagon's horses are getting so t'ured. Today I worked my first double since the days of Applebee's. Except this time, I didn't get the sympathy free meal, and the law enforced overtime pay. Instead I settled for the 930am to 4pm shift at Le Pain, a hot bike ride over to the jewelry cart, and 8 more hours of standing fun. It is currently 10:42pm (people came to the cart, so now it is 11:10pm) and I will be getting off in an hour and half. I can't wait! What I'm not looking forward to is an early morning shift back at Le Pain tomorrow. The light at the end of the tunnel is that I get to see Chris soon, and I get to visit my mom, sister, and the Kiniry's on Monday. Yes!

(This email was in no way an attempt to seek sorrow on my behalf.)

And, thank you Kristina and Lydia for visiting me twice, I love you.

To Afghanistan and back.

2006-08-03T13:45:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading a painful yet interesting and well-told novel about one characters exhilarating/tear-stricken journey from childhood to adulthood. If you are interested in reading a light hearted novel that doesn't deal with extremely tough real life issues, then I suggest you pass this book by and pick up something else like The Biographyof Britney Spears. But if you want something that will shock you into reality, and yet keep you glued from page to page, then I advise you to give The Kite Runner, written by Khaled Hosseini, a try.

You can slap or make a hand motion to control speed

2006-08-03T13:43:00.000-05:00

The sidewalks in L.A. are not very wide, but with some effort between both parties, each concrete slab can accommodate both a biker and a pedestrian.

Apparently the lady in front of me today didn't think so. I saw her hand rear back, and in all fairness I knew what was coming. The slap! It came down hard on my left shoulder. If this slap would have originated from someone scarier I wouldnt have stopped, but seeing that she was a small woman, I bravely sought out why she transplanted the hostility.

It turns out she is mentally slow. I was speeding and invading her walking space, so the story goes (A little Slaughter House for ya). Well, needless to say I forgave her, apologized, and intelligently went on along my way, but this time with a red-marked lessoned learned. Never invade the space of a woman.

On another note...

Does anyone else find it their duty to slow down traffic, and to let people know that they need to calm down? Lately I've been feeling as if I were my father standing on Via Dona Street in Lompoc trying to control others RPM's with a garden hose. I don't have a hose, but I do have my hand. I tend to let "bad" drivers know that they are being ridiculous by both making a motion with my hand, while simultaneously mouthing the words slow down. Sometimes I'm lucky and their windows are down. In this exciting case, I let them know verbally that they shouldn't rush through life.

Perhaps my attempts are futile, and maybe its just LA or the fact that I'm not in touch due to the lack of a car, but my message never seems to mentally connect. Anyway, my goal is to make a difference, one inpatient driver at a time.

What a disappointment

2006-08-03T13:42:00.000-05:00

I spent the last 2 months struggling to get through Upton Sinclair's THE JUNGLE.

The first half of the book is a well-documented experience about the lack of worker rights, unsanitary practices, and the horrible working conditions that existed in the meat packing industry during the beginning of the 19th century. Unfortunately, the last half slowly degrades itself by becoming an all out propaganda machine for Socialism. The last 5 chapters were literally marketing tools for its cause. Ahhhhhh.... How frustrating. I have no problem with this point of view. But Upton Sinclair completely gave up on the story line of his main character Jurgis and instead guided me through a maze of unwanted socialist ideas.

I went to lake Nacimiento today

2006-08-03T13:41:00.000-05:00

The smell of boat exhaust time warped me back to high school and catapulted my flesh to a favorite past memory, the lake. The hot sun pounded on my sun-protected flesh, the sticky dry air blew through my shirt with the intent of cooling my overheated body. I saw kids on bikes, guys comparing their oversized trucks, women in sundresses, a game of pick-up water polo being played in a cold pool, and my friends batting around a tennis ball on the plush, lake overlooking court.

I decided to head down to the dock where the boat was just about to be fired up. Once on the dock I found a life vest put it on and stretched my legs over and onto the wakeboard-pulling vessel. The smell of exhaust from the boat filled my nostrils and overwhelmed my senses. The stench eventually awoke me and after two hard blinks I realized where I was. I was still at work, and was being called upon to finish wiping down an impatient customers table. You see, the smell didnt come from a boat on the lake; instead it came from the engine of a motorcycle being fired up and shown off to a group of approving youths. Which reminds me...

Have you ever seen someone who reminded you in looks, exactly like a friend from back home? Well that is precisely what happened today. You see, we hired a new twenty something manager who looks exactly like the sophmore version of my good friend Nick. Those of you who know Nick will have to trust me on this one. This guy is not a watered down, filtered image of Nick either. And this isn't one of those cases where you go, umm... Yea, I guess I can see it. This guy is instead, a photocopy, one that makes you constantly look twice and stop yourself from jokingly bashing him in the side. Anway the resemblance is uncanny. And to top it off, his name is Chris, Which I find very funny.

Oh, and sorry Chris for the awkward conversation earlier, I guess I should have explained why, on first meeting when you asked for my name, I stared uncomfortably at you for a few seconds, and responded with. Nick?

Cubicle

2006-01-20T21:25:00.000-05:00

I have to write fast. Employees are swarming all over the place. I’m bunkered up in my 6X10 cubicle. My back is to the window and my eyes are peering over the make shift walls that surround my desk. The mock excel spread-sheet is just a click away (use only in emergencies). It turns out that my suspicions were incorrect. It’s officially blue shirt Mondays and not Wednesdays. Last night while laying out my clothes I assumed that most male employees here wear their blue button ups during the middle of the week, but as it turns out it’s the only way to start the week. I have been trying to second guess these bio-hedge men, but it’s hard. They’re sneaky and smart. It must be the Yale education. I’ve got it! I will wear my blue tomorrow as well. That way I’ve got a jump on them. Yes! That’s exactly what I’ll do.